3 months. 54 episodes. 120 songs. If my math is correct (which it rarely ever is). This here is the season finale of the first season of Every Song.

Oh, how very fitting that I am once again, sick for the very last episode and my nose is so stuffy yet runny and itchy and eurgh. And my voioce is low again and I’m trying to like pitch it up higher and give it a bit more energy. I realise that in some of the episode openings I sound really soft and high-pitched and some I sound really, like, “WELCOME”, like I’m ready to confront an issue or confront something that is inside me that I’m about to tell people. Some are, like, really soft and feminine and vulnerable. I was listening through some of the openings the other day and I was like, “Oh my god, I sound different in every episode”. So, in this episode I sound sick again. It feels like my body is purging as I purge and release a lot of pent up emotions from my life through these songs. I don’t know what my body’s doing. It’s just been a really weird and stressful year. My mental stress is manifesting physically. Not really emotional stress. I think emotionally, I’ve been really good this year. Things for me emotionally have been really stabel and nice and my life is, I guess, emotionally peaceful. But just the mental load of career and finances - just the logistics of life. The really boring logistics of life has been really ‘wearing down on me’? (Is that a saying?) It’s just taking a toll on me. I feel like it’s physically manifesting in my body.

When I started this series a few months ago, I did so at a place in my life where I felt like I was coming up to a crossroads or an overlap between limbo and my previous life. It felt like I was waking up everyday to a previous life even though I had not yet lived a future life. It just felt like everyday I woke up, it was already over and I was living a flashback for months and months.

I was only working part-time as an elected governor for my local council, which I was trying to supplement with a second job so I can survive. However, for that first half of the year, I just kept getting rejected. I just could not get a second job. I just ended up having a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden after the last few years of working two jobs and doing post-grad studies all at once.

At the same time, my boyfriend Lloyd was stationed out of town for work and we did long distance for over 3 months. I was just alone in our apartment for ages with my thoughts.

That’s when I slowly started to pick up my guitar again. I slowly started to sit in front of my digital piano and play, a little more every single day. I just started writing little by little again day after day.

When I first started playing and singing again, I was very rusty. Well, I still am. But it is because I haven’t seriously been disciplined with music or seriously been in practise for years, since before COVID. So, my vocals weren’t what they used to be. Also, as an instrumentalist, as a musician, I knew I was very very rusty. My timing, my finger dexterity, my theory; I was just very out of practice. I started wondering if I should get myself back in the swing of things and dust of my old fingers and vocal chords. Not to mention, the only software I have right now is Garageband. My knockoff Logic Pro X doesn’t work on this laptop so I don’t have access to any fancy effects or mixing and editing features. Which, I guess, is supposed to be the purpose of this songwriting series: to be as stripped back as possible.

Another point that I was going to make was that, because at this time I was already capitalistically conditioned, I did initially wonder what the hell the point would be since it’s not going to be a reliable second job that could supplement my lifestyle. But there was not much else to do at that time and I felt a little bit of a calling to just play music.

And so, I did. I thought it might be a good idea to start forcing myself to write full songs again as well as play through my old songs. Everything I have ever written before. That’s where I got the idea for this series. I thought playing through the evolution of my songwriting might get me back in the zone. I feel like it definitely did.

I do feel like now that I’m at the end of this first part of the series, I’m in a good space creatively. Although, it could get a lot better if I cultivated an environment of creativity everyday at home or hopefully at a new job now that I’ve moved to a new country in search for a new job. They keep calling us financial refugees or economic refugees. Even though the word refugees, obviously, I don’t agree with labelling myself that. But I think just because a lot of Kiwis are moving in hoardes to Australia now because there are no jobs in New Zealand, that’s what the news and a lot of the street language (I was gonna call it street slang)- a lot of people, a lot of us are being financial/economic refugees. Well, I would rather just call myself an economic migrant, but yeah.

What was I saying? Yeah, so, creatively I’m in a good place and I just hope that I don’t lose this momentum. Especially when this creative flow that I’ve found myself in these days, in addition to the regular self-reflection that comes with singing through old music, has helped contextualise how far I’ve come. Even though, I have so much to go, still, with improving myself.

When I was younger I had so many confusing and harmful thoughts and emotions that I didn’t know quite what to do with or how to process or how to release in a healthy way. That’s due, in part, to not being taught in a way that goes through to me and not being taught because I had no reliable close adults who also possessed the skill to do it themselves in their own lives. It is really harrowing now, looking back at how much damage being raised by a community of emotionally illiterate adults and religious dogma can do to a child. To nobody’s surprise, I turned out, also, to be an emotionally illiterate young adult who has caused harm toward others without awareness and care. Until now, I guess.

I have been trying to work on being less of an asshole for the last few years, since my late twenties but it is of course going to be a lifelong journey. As Scanlon says, “Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task”. I should accept that for the rest of my life I will be continuously trying to justify the implications of my decisions against various moral codes and worldviews of whatever specific context and time period. Additionally, I will also be continuously trying to justify the wrongdoings of others unto me, because I’m trying to make sense of it all, especially by grown adults who were supposed to support and love me unconditionally, grown adults who we’re supposed to trust with our lives as children, not just in practicality and survival but also with spiritual and ethical enrichment.

Although, I do wonder, since I am a child of—or rather, a product of—Asian cultural and philosophical upbringing, was I ever even entitled to being given anything more by the people who conceived and raised me than just a roof over my head, food, clothing, and an education? Some say that if you have those essentials then you ask for nothing more. Your legal guardians are not your little friends, they say. They are not there to give you unconditional support with your personal ventures outside of academic success or commercial success that doesn’t conform to the structures of traditional employment; they are not here to give you an emotional safe space for you to be vulnerable with your mental state and give you nuanced, sensitive emotional care and affection. Their only job is to make sure you toughen the fuck up so that you can survive that harsh world out there, stay alive and be of acceptable social and medical standing (because if you are not, that’s very embarassing on their part and god forbid they be perceived as a failure as legal guardians).

As a 34-year-old woman now, in the midst of serious consideration on bearing children and fertility, I cannot help but wonder if the end goal of parenthood is just the performance of parenthood for the public; to conform to societal standards of familybuilding and homemaking; to simply be deemed an exceptional parent or legal guardian; to show off smiles in family holiday photos and a neat home when hosting dinner parties; to give ones offspring an adequate amount of practical protection from exposure to the natural climate and a home environment to churn out little baby cogs in the machine so that they can wash their hands clean of any other mental or emotional responsibility (“If I did ABC then I don’t have to do DEF and you should just shut up and be thankful for it”). I cannot help but wonder if that is just the whole point and logistics of parenthood and building a family.

From what I have personally witnessed and lived through, I just simply struggle to see parenthood as a phase in ones human life to create and nourish another human life to being their best and most authentic self with no expectations, no judgement, no conditions, just pure acceptance. Is that the way it’s supposed to be? Because I didn’t experience that. I just felt a lot of pressure to become something I’m not everyday, and show up as something I’m not everyday and only be given support if I show up as something I’m not and cannot be everyday. I have met other adults now who did experience pure, unconditional support and love from the people who raised them and I feel jealousy, to be honest. And to be honest, I am so deathly afraid of becoming a parent myself, lest I become just another life-bearing adult who only gives a child the bare essentials to survive but not thrive and grow into kind yet critical adults who can contribute to the progressive evolution of humankind and help drive humantiy out of antequated conservative ideologies that hold us all back instead of just wanting to live in the world and extract the benefits of it, conforming without having to think about making anything better.

I think there’s a lot of unhealed pain in me and my worldviews because it has not been proven otherwise that the two people who put me in this world did so with the intention of only adding another person to a religious existence because they were mentally conditioned to believe that it is what they were just supposed to do. And perhaps that’s the reason why I have struggled with my sense of purpose ever since I was a kid, my sense of self and ultimate reason for being alive. I firmly believe that they never questioned what that meant for the humanbeings they create except for that those little humanbeings need to then continue the cycle and also re-produce with no critical or defiant thought. Now, they have three adult offsprings with no children while they sit and wait for grandchildren, too afraid of confronting and taking accountability for their behaviours and actions that have influenced the fact that their three offsprings are extremely cautious about bringing any more humans into this world if that is what existence and upbringing and parenthood means.

If bringing another human into this world means that there is just another young person who feels emotionally neglected, being dismissed and being told that their emotional and mental needs do not matter, sitting alone in their rooms every night feeling unseen and unheard, just making and playing sad songs by themselves because that’s the only way they know how to cope, and in adulthood have very complicated feelings toward the people who raised them, who just feel obligated to keep in touch with no deeper affection or care toward them… then I do not want that.

Again, for some who subscribe to the Asian philosophy of parenthood then that would probably sound either too harsh or it might sound like a given. Like, yes, duh, that’s what a parent-child relationship is supposed to be like. If you are a child you are obligated and it doesn’t matter what feelings you have about the situation, that’s just the way it is, you shut up and do your obligations. It’s very dismissive and it allows for so many grievances to be and remain unaddressed. There is so much power imbalance in that way of living and thinking. It breeds resentment and guilt and viceral disgusting feelings that will never be resolved because to express a desire to resolve something wrong or to complain about anything at all is seen as being ungrateful and disrespectful. It’s a toxic environment for human beings.

I refuse to subscribe to that mentality. I refuse to repeat that cycle of parenthood and I refuse to participate in it now and an adult child. I’m over feeling guilty and just participating out of guilt and obligation and not out of love and respect. Especially when I do not feel accepted and unconditionally loved as my full authentic self, since when I approach this relationship I must leave parts of myself behind and only show up as how people want me to. I cannot bring all that I am to the table and it feels horrible. I do not want to do that anymore. I am a full grown adult now. I just want to be myself without having to answer to powers that continuously suppress and dismiss my voice, and operate out of guilt and fear. In a space where it has been proven that my emotional and mental needs are not valued and is at the bottom of the priority list; in a space where I have been taught that it is only acceptable to be given and accept material and essential support; I do not belong - that’s just not me.

And for a long time, as a kid and into young adulthood, I have felt that but have never had the resources to learn about what those feelings were, or I have not had the time to grow and learn about what those were, so I just kept writing about it. And I projected those feelings and all the learned behaviour onto others; onto relationships, onto jobs and my career, my education and authority figures, my friendships. How I was taught to accept and give expressions of affection out of obligation seeped into every aspect of my life. Even if I wanted to express pure love and admiration toward others, it always ended up being somewhat transactional because I was raised in an environment of, “If I do this for you then you must do this for me and if I do this for you that means you can’t bring up anything I did wrong up because of how ungrateful that would be therefore I don’t have to take accountability for my actions or the damage I have done”. So, for most of my life, I ran away from accountability, even when I know I did wrong and hurt friends and even random guys. I run away from accountability because I never grew up with adults, who were supposed to set a good example, who did that, who knew how to apologise, and take accountability, confront their own shortcomings and wrongdoings, and make a conscious effort to do better. I grew up believing that people do not have to do that and we can just shut people out, cut them off, the moment we have to take accountability for our actions and apologise. There is no need for apologising and taking accountability if you bury it with enough good deeds. But no amount of material good deeds and favours can ever balance out emotional pain and neglect. For a long time, growing up, especially as a kid, I didn’t know that that was the conditioning I was under. It wasn’t until now, as an adult, did I start realising that.

I am, very obviously, only in step one of this process of being able to identify it and put it into words. It’s only the beginning of my journey of processing and healing from it. Obviously, who knows, in a year from now, I might have better insight into this or I might have different thoughts on how to approach this or how to feel about this. But for now, this is just how I feel because this is just the beginning of my journey to identifying, accepting, and healing, and moving on.

And, playing these old songs that I wrote as a young teenager, I see now that this how I felt throughout those years, from being a kid through young adulthood. This is how I felt through the way I worded and wrote and expressed the feeling of emotional neglect, suppression and angst.

Anyway, this is a song I wrote when I was 14 years old around November of 2005, called Taking Your Time.

051100 Taking Your Time

Now because you’re perverted
I’m living me life miserably
Now because my friends are bitches
I accept my own apologies
Now because you are stupid
I can’t calculate the probabilities
Now my friends are stoned
I won’t come home

Taking your time
You’re out of my mind
Trying my best to look just fine
I’ll be with you in a while
Here you can wait in line
Staring, murdering the sky
Taking your time

Now because God’s not helping
I won’t be praying, no
Now because you’re an asshole
I’ll stop wasting time, sitting here singing
Now because my friends are liars
I cannot be bothered
Now I am gone
I won’t come home

Ten years after writing that, I wrote this song about being at peace with the things that I cannot change, things I have learnt about loving those around me and being loved in whatever way people have the capacity and capability to. It’s a little inspired by the concept of a chosen family and building a community of people whose values and philosophies in life are compatible with mine.

Musically, in the bridge, it takes from The Beatle’s Hey Jude na na na type bridge. I envisioned this song with a choir or a bunch of people in the bridge singing the na na na’s together on a wonderfully joyous cresendo. It’s just meant to be one of those really happy, it-is-what-it-is, que sera sera songs.

Alright, I’m going to end on this song but before I go, I just want to say thank you if you have listened all the way up to this last 54th episode from the very beginning. It’s been a weird journey, reminising and reflecting on what I’ve been through through my songs. I’m going to start working on the second season of Every Song as soon as I finish this, especially since the theme will be relationships, going through the timeline of the four boyfriends I have had which starts from when I was around 19/20ish until now; and how and why I behaved the way, and accepted the things I did, and hurt people the way I did. Spoiler (not so spoiler) alert: it’s learned behaviour from unaddressed and unhealed childhood neglect. I also, in the next season, want to do a lot less trauma-dumping and venting, and go more into what I’m doing nowadays to process and heal in a healthy way. What my daily practices are, what they may be, at this time of my life now that I’m in my 30’s, and looking for more ways to help me grow and be a less shitty version of myself so that I don’t project my pain onto others anymore. Do I forgive those who have not even asked for forgiveness? Do I forget what doesn’t serve me anymore? It all ultimately boils down to the question of what it means to be a functioning human being navigating complex interpersonal relationships, trying to participate within acceptable societal norms in modernity. I don’t know. Who actually knows? Who claims to have the right answer? Is there a right or wrong answer? I’ll marinate on those questions as I go along. But for now, here is the last song of the season.

This is Hold My Hand. I wrote it on the 29th of June 2025.

250625 Hold My Hand

Love is everything you think it’s not
You finally figure it out then lose the plot
Doesn’t matter, time or place
Nothing you can ever do or say to
Change the way somebody feels about you ever works
Dust yourself off and try again, things could be worse
There’s a roof over my head
I’m surrounded by friends

We’re going
Na, na, na na na na
Just hold my hand
Na, na, na na na na
Just hold my hand

Every dream you’ve ever had might not come true
At least the alternative all depends on you
I have ruined my image
I was raised by my village
We’re going

Love is everything you think it’s not
You finally figure it out then lose the plot
I have ruined my image
I was raised by my village
We’re going

Thank you for listening to episode 54, the season one finale of Every Song. I am Cleo the Leo. Until next time.

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This is the second to last episode of the first season. The song I’m going to play today is called The Last Melody. I initially thought to play this as the last song of the last episode tomorrow because the title would be fitting, but I decided against it. I didn’t want the season finale to be about romance since the whole second season will be about my relationships anyway. So, for today I will sing the last male-centred song of the first season. Plenty of time for more boy-talk next year.

What I want is to get all the songs that aren’t about or dedicated to my official relationships out of the way now. or at least most of those songs. Think of it as a ceremonial letting-go ritual. I may never sing these songs ever again because I’ve released them out into the world now and they’re no longer just kept inside me or my songbooks. Process complete. Well, to be honest, I can’t wait until I release and let go of all that is carried within songs that are about my previous relationships. Maybe it will help me process them fully and I can just fully focus on moving forward in my life without ever having to worry about keeping resentment inside me or holding unnecessary grudges. I only say unnecessary because I believe that there are some things that are so heinous that resentment and ill-feelings toward them hold validity.

Singing and talking through these songs that, I never realised, are like diary entries since I was a kid, and talking through them and what happened from memory, and looking back at my emotional responses to certain things have served as a reflectionary practice in the last few months. It’s started this awareness triggerpoint in me now that when I do or say or react to certain things which are ruled by my emotions, I stop and go, “Oh wait, is that because this happened when I was younger and therefore now the only way I know how to cope with that is to do XYZ?” Just a bit more self-awareness is probably what I’m trying to say. Wait, can one be too annoyingly self-aware that it cripples onward progress in life? I’ll circle back to that in the future.

But for now, here’s a song about committing to never write about someone ever again. With reasons ranging from wanting to force oneself to just move on and never address it ever again because it was a painful experience to just not wanting to seem creepily obsessed about this one brief teenage connection and now it’s just beginning to become a symptom of loserism and it’s very fucking embarassing. This does fall under the category of songs about X. After I wrote this song, I realised that I had the power within me to just make myself pretend people never existed, but in order for me to do that I had to unhealthily block out a lot of emotions and put walls up. Which wasn’t always succesfully executed, especially when I found myself in lovergirl mode and I completely devote all my love and life to one guy. This whole experience was probably one of the root causes of me having two hard sides when I deal with romantic discomfort. I’m either a cold hard bitch who doesn’t care about who she hurts or an utter pushover who tends to get controlled by any guy who shows the slightest sign of devotion back to me. I did eventually start growing out of this pendulum after my first relationship had ended. However, it’s still sometimes a hard habit to break especially when you’re out there as an adult in the dating scene and you just have to either toughen up and get your needs met or be vulnerable and risk being taken for granted.

This song is called The Last Melody, written on the 10th of September 2009.

090910 The Last Melody

I will write you a million songs
Even if you only choose to listen to one
And I will follow wherever you go
But I’m still hoping that someday you will stop
All these words I’m saying
Have all been spoken before
And all these promises I’m making
Have all been broken before
|Because it’s been three years
And I’m still right here on the same spot you left me
And oh, these tears I’ve shed
Have done nothing but resurrect the memories

I don’t want to remember
I don’t want to forget
I would like to stand by you
And see your eyes again
But I should know better
The heart is pitch black
This melody I wrote for you
Will be the last

I wonder if this scar of mine will ever heal
It’s a record of the life that we once had
I should be thankful I even got the chance to love you
Even though the opportunity has driven me mad
It’s only because you were my first
You were everything, you were my world
And I tried my best to believe you
I did all I could to make things work
But it’s been three years and I’m still fighting fears
I still do not have a clue
About where you are, what you are, who you truly are
We would have never made it this far

Thank you for listening to episode 53 of Every Song. Until next time.

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In this entire series thus far, I have not sang any songs that I’ve written about any of my ex boyfriends or even my current boyfriend. The songs I’ve been playing have all been about former situationships, short-term…

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This is a song I wrote to manifest better love in my life. Wait, I hate that word “manifest”. It sounds so woo-woo.

Basically, this is a song I wrote after my horribly horrendous first relationship ended, which went on for 6 or so years. I wrote this as I imagined a new, better love coming into my life. One that won’t betray, deceive, abandon, or harm me in any way. And, lo and behold, the next three relationships I have been in after that first one with Satan himself, have been gorgeously gentle, supportive, mutually nurturing relationships with these great guys.

Writing this song was almost like a promise to myself to only to accept the kind of love and partnership that is focused on healthy companionship and uplifting each other. And that is what my other three relationships after my first one has been like. To my surprise, a constantly tumultuous relationship was NOT the norm and I slowly learnt that it’s not something that should be kept normalised.

Musically, melodically it is inspired by Jessie Ware’s Say You Love Me. Almost like a cover but not really.

This is a song called Dawn is Breaking. I wrote it on the 2nd of January 2018.

180102 Dawn is Breaking

The moon is melting
Over the sea
Under such comedy
Is where we’ll meet
Time goes slowly
As lovers love
Finding diamonds
In the rough

Calm and clearly
The calling will be
Crumbling completely
Carelessly
Dawn is breaking
So is she
He was made for her
And her for he

As the shadows
Lay on the ground
There on my skin
You are found
Spirit to spirit
Soul to soul
I will take thee
To have and to hold

Dawn is breaking
So am I
Tell me that I’m yours
And you are mine

Thank you for listening to episode 51 of Every Song. Until next time.

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I am lumping these two songs I’m going to play today because they are ones that were prompted by my mate Peter. Not exactly co-wrote because we didn’t write these songs together. I just got ideas for these songs from a couple of riffs he played to me in passing, and I just kinda wrote around them.

The first one is inspired by Seether’s Disclaimer II album, (for some fucking reason?)

Oh hey, fun fact. Peter was born on the same day in the same hospital as Fiso. Middlemore Hospital on the 26th of May 1991.

060800 Gasoline

Because I see you
You’re dripping with gasoline
And I’ll breathe you in
If it means you’ll never leave
But I can’t love you
You’re something that I haven’t earned
So, I’ll just seethe you through
Nothing else left to learn

So, I’ll hit the road again
Farewell to you my good, good, friend
She’ll keep you pretty happy, pretty busy
You don’t know what you mean to me

To be honest
Breathing is getting hard
The more you flatter me
The deeper you stab me in the heart
I’ll bring your burdens with me
As a memory of what tore us apart
As long as you sleep in peace
I’ll try to make it back to the start

So, I’ll keep me to myself
Farewell to you, this is the end
You’ll stumble and you’ll fall
Here I go again
Alone

I wrote Gasoline some time in August 2006.

The next one also stems from a guitar riff Peter played me one time. It’s not the exact one I have, but the piece he played was similar and I was able to use that as reference when composing. And the lyrics were generically inspired by some Brooke Fraser songs.

This is Astray, written on the 20th of September 2006.

060920 Astray

Let’s just stay here for a while
Cause baby I’m still so deep in denial
Why would somebody with a beautiful soul
Feel something for me
Don’t matter ‘bout time
We could stay here forever
Don’t matter ‘bout promises we said we’d keep
I don’t know if there is a way of making sure
That you’re not just another dream

Cause I sure am making progress with you by my side
So many things I must confess
Don’t need these wings to fly
Cause you lift me up and out, away
Every time I go astray

There’s something I need to stay
Before we’ve got to part
And it’s that baby
You’ve mended back my heart
Cause I, I was lost from the start
But then you found me
Don’t matter ‘bout life
I could certainly survive in your arms
Don’t matter ‘bout enemies we have to fight
We’re driving down every road
That points to the path of infinity
Eternity with you

Thank you for listening to episode 50 of Every Song. Until next time.

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This episode is about my late friend, Fiso Tanuvasa. He passed away in 2014.

Fiso and I met when we were 9 years old at St. Joseph’s primary school, Onehunga, 2001. And we were friends right until the end.

I don’t even know what else to say.

This song came about one beautifully, sunny day just two days after he passed away. I was kind of annoyed at the weather for being so nice and inconsiderate while we were mourning a loved one, a friend.

I have actually never sang this song to anyone before. Not in Fiso’s services or any of the events the week of his funeral. Nor have I shared it to our friends or his family. It’s a song I usually just sing at home by myself when I think of him.

This is Shine. I wrote it on the 16th of January 2014.

140116 Shine

Today I wondered why the sky was blue
It’s because of you
The clouds have parted
Heaven’s gate is wide open
Just to let this new angel in

And I hope you keep the sunshine for us one ore day
Just because saying goodbye to you will bring the rain
But I’m happy now that you’ve escaped the pain
So, go on angel, shine away

Tomorrow will you still be in the air?
Will you hear my prayer?
Cause I feel you in the breeze
In the wind that sways the trees
Your spirit’s running free

And I will always wonder what would have been
If through the battle God had let you win
Instead he put your beautiful soul to sleep
You’ve been released

Thank you for listening to episode 49 of Every Song. Until next time.

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Here are a couple of songs I wrote on the ukulele when I first got one. I think I got it for Christmas or at least around Christmas of 2009.

The first song for today is one that (I’m pretty sure) is about the guy I talked about on episode 17, the song called Official Lady Friend. Well, this song’s not about him completely, but, as I’ve explained before, these types of situat ional songs for me are usually just inspired by the emotions I felt at that time. I also tend to mix in elements and references from other events or connections that I have similar feelings toward.

This song is called Life is Good, written on December of 2009.

091200 Life is Good

I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself happy
But how could I do that when you’re not here with me
And no, I don’t believe in destiny
But I have a sinking feeling that we were meant to be
The rain pours down without your touch
Can’t you see the sky is crying for the both of us
And no, I don’t believe this luck of mine
Now I can’t imagine my life if our words have never collided
And I sing la di da

Oh, life is good
We’ve got to enjoy it like we should
But as soon as you walked out of mine
All I’ll ever done is cry, cry, cry
Darling , my life is good
And I’d save myself if I could
So, I should get up off my feet
And realise that with or without you
My life would still be pretty sweet

Someone once told me, “Good things take time”
But now I’ve lost the will to live and gained the skill to rhyme
Yet again I’m on my own
So I’ll be messing around since you’re gone
Matter of fact I met someone, someone new
And he’s nothing, nothing at all like you
But that’s my problem right there
Not being with you is my worst nightmare
And I sing la di da

I wrote the next song just a couple of months after Life is Good. The theme also revolves around the concept of struggling to enjoy life when you feel disappointed by the outcome of some things, especially ones that are dependant on others, friends, family, romantic connections. It’s about feeling guilty for being lost and alone and hopeless when one is supposed to have all the privileges that being placed in a sophisticated, advanced civilisation is supposed to allow.

Here is Heart of Babylon. I wrote it on February of 2010.

100200 Heart of Babylon

There ain’t no need to worry
That, I tell myself
Everyday I’m learning
You can depend on no one else
Because everybody, everybody changes
No matter how hard they try to stay the same
And even I have turned into somebody else
At least I can admit when i need help

I am lost in this town
And it’s crumbling down
An SOS, I’m sending out
But in my mind still dwells the doubt that
An angel will come and speak of love
I am all alone in the heart of Babylon

A heartache’s a heartache
It hurts all the same
But I’ve never felt heartbreak before
Until you came my way
Because your kisses they caught me off guard
So, I’ve been acting stupid since we’ve been apart
And I cannot wait until the day I see your face again
Just to show you how much I don’t care

Thank you for listening to episode 48 of Every Song. Until next time.

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This is a song I wrote it just a few months ago as a songwriting exercise when I was trying to get myself out of a funk with writing and composition. It wasn’t a complete writer’s block since every now and then I had ideas for lines of lyrics and melodies, but I was finding it a hard time finishing a full song. So, during this month (June 2025) I was trying to discipline myself to write everyday even if it meant I would be singing and writing things that didn’t make sense to anybody else but myself or statements of no consequence or statements of consequence that some people might hear and go, “Yikes, probably shouldn’t say that out loud…” The song is aptly titled Out of Pocket.

Musically, I wanted to get a little silly with the vocals and sing in an operatic tone. I used to do it a lot when I was a kid and being fucking annoying around the house singing loudly. This was especially around the time I was just discovering the concept of opera singing when I was in primary school and I would just be at home trying to imitate the sound that they make with their voices. Brief sidenote: I planned to play this song for the episode today and funnily enough, Rosalia released her new song Berghain featuring Bjork and Yves Tumor just yesterday, in which she sings in an operatic tone/vocals. So, I feel like I’m aligned this morning or aligned with the universe. Whatever that whole woo-woo concept is.

And for the melody, it is obviously heavily inspired by Kali Uchis’ All I Can Say with the waltz timing and also Lana Del Rey’s Shades of Cool.

Here is Out of Pocket, written on the 16th of June 2025.

250616 Out of Pocket

I’m only just like my mother
Because of learned behaviour
Otherwise, we’re not really
Of the same soul or character
I just realised that I’ve
Only had boyfriends with a singular
Biological brother
And it’s not intentional
Maybe something coincidental
Or nonsensical

It won’t hurt
If I keep some things in my head
Not everything, no not everything
Needs to be said
Sometimes
It would be better of left
In the pocket
Cause not everything, no not everything
Needs to be sang

Thank you for listening to episode 47 of Every Song. Until next time.

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This is The Boy From Waiuku.

080612 The Boy From Waiuku

Looking in front of the mirror
Knowing that I am alone
Today is just simply clearer
Not minding that I’m flying solo

And I want to be free
So, just leave me be
And I’m going to let go
So I can rock n roll

But I’m never too happy
To feel like wearing black
Some days i’m just too angry
To feel like turning back
I said today I’m just too happy
To feel like being bad
Tomorrow I’ll feel naughty
So you can feel as glad

The first time that I didn’t care
About the outcome of my spontaneous decision
To start living my life on the edge
And to satisfy my every temptation

Dancing in the corner of the room
Where nobody can see us two
I fell in love on the dance floor
With the boy from Waiuku

I wrote The Boy From Waiuku on the 12th of June 2008. Evidently, the title doesn’t seem like it has much to do with the body of the song. It’s almost just a couple of lines I threw on the end of the song as I was finishing it. But when I was composing the song, trying to work on the ending, I just kept playing the chords and improved the lines. It kinda just came out and I was like oh shit oh shit I better remember that - what did I just sing? The, “I fell in love on the dance floor with the boy from Waiuku”. I liked that line and I didn’t know where that came from.

I guess it’s also a homage to all the times my friends and I would go to Waiuku at Wilson’s place/bach there - all the summers we’d go there.

I didn’t actually plan for there to be a coda. It was just this weird throwaway line I put in there.

The last line refers to this rando (the boy from Waiuku) I met at an after party for our year 12 school ball in 2008 when I was 16. He was a friend (or was it a cousin?) of Dyall’s from Waiuku, and he was only in town that weekend to party with us. For the life of me, I cannot remember his name, only that he was from outta town and since (remember I’ve mentioned this before) I never ever go for any of the boys from my school cause I don’t shit where I eat, I basically decided that he would be my main entertainment for the night when we were introduced to each other. Oh no, I do remember one more thing about him. His mum was a hairdresser and she used to make him sweep the floors at the salon. I know that because he asked if I had a part-time job, and I was telling him that some days after school and on the weekends, I work as a colour technician at the local hairdressers, Rodney Wayne in Royal Oak Mall. Rodney Wayne’s not there any more, it’s another salon nowadays. But yeah, I do remember laughing about that.

So, Waiuku as in this guy I met at a party and Waiuku also from all the summers we would spend there as kids.

I think (if I remember it correctly) I was already working on the song some days or maybe weeks before actually finishing it. Like I said, this was around the time of our Year 12 school ball and the line, “I’m never too happy to feel like wearing black” is about my ball dress because I chose a cheetah print dress instead of my usual signature colour and the people were shocked. And it’s also a reference to how people always point out the fact that I almost only wear black and I’m just like mm-hmn no shit Sherlock. They tell me that I only wear black as if I didn’t notice it and pick it out myself.

Another funny yet annoying story from the year 12 ball in 2008 was that the day of the ball, as in the morning of, I woke up with a massive pimple on my nose. No exaggeration. It was like a Disney original TV show where a character inconveniently gets a huge zit on their face on the day of something important happening. I knew that this pimple was going to be photobombing every single photo with me in it that night so I just posed with a peace sign over it for most of the pictures. No seriously.

It turned into a whole thing and all my friends would pose with like peace signs around the pictures so that it’s not so obvious that I keep holding a peace sign over my head even though I look back at the photos now and it’s very obvious. It wasn’t so bad in the end cause it turned a potential confidence-downer into something iconic and memorable.

The next song is about summer flings - well it was supposed to be when I first got the little wind to start writing it … but it is also lowkey inspired by teenage horror TV shows and movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer and Pretty Little Liars.

I wanted to write about the idea of gossip and secrets and how harmful they might be when one is of that age, while also trying to just enjoy one’s youth. This song is called Summer Love. I wrote it on the 23rd of December 2010.

101223 Summer Love

La la la la la la love
Summer love

The sun is rising to another day
We’re still in bed
But I don’t mind cause I’m in your arms
There’s no where else I’d rather be
But you insist
Your batter is charged
We’ll find something else to do instead
So, we head down to the beach
And make sweet love in the sand

He said she said
Somebody’s getting away with murder
I said you said
Don’t worry about it we’re innocent
They said that we’re heading
Down a rock road it’s rough
But there ain’t nothing wrong with
Some good old fashioned summer love

The wind is still
We feel the thrill
Of our hearts beating fast
Our skin is burning
As we’re yearning
To feel each other’s touch
When the moon comes round
It don’t matter
We’ll light up a fire
By the ocean
I’ll have the best view
Of your beautiful eyes

Now I wish I could stop the world from spinning
Cause I don’t wanna lost this feeling
When this season ends
Will we meet each other again
I never said we’d last
No promises made
None broken

He said that she said
Somebody’s getting away with murder
I said that you said
Don’t worry, just sing it again

Thank you for listening to episode 46 of Every Song. Until next time.

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This episode is going to be about how I cured my depression.

It’s kind of a long story and I won’t go into every single detail but the TLDR version is that psychedelic drugs was the key for me. Not saying that everyon…

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The couple of songs I’m going to play today are both songwriting exercises. Therefore they are not about any one pers on in particular. For the most part, they are thematically inspired by the general emotions I felt during these events, but pulled from interactions with multiple people.

This first song is about the many connections, however short or insignificant, that I was still not over during the time of writing. At that age, because I didn’t have space to explore interpersonal romantic relationships, I didn’t learn how to process emotional pain and discomfort at all. Which resulted in me having very unhealthy attachment issues going forward. Sometimes not being able to let go of something that’s not good for me and sometimes being totally heartless and emotionally detached.

Emotional intelligence was not something that was nurtured or encouraged in my upbrining - only practical survival, financial literacy, and getting by. Which makes sense because how can people who have zero emotional intelligence teach emotional intelligence? They can’t. So, how I processed emotions and navigating relationships was something I had to learn for myself out in the streets and it was a horrible experience; and I wished that I had older people in my life that helped me growing up as a teenager and as a young adult, instead of judging me and only giving me conditional affection and support.

I wrote this song when I was 19 and at the time I didn’t realise how much help, professional or personal support, I actually needed. Reading and singing back the 2nd verse of this song, I didn’t realise that I was actually literally crying out for help and not just rhyming. It’s weird looking back at it now and seeing the signs very clearly. Did I ever ask for help irl? No. But music was the only way I knew how to deal with it.

This song is called Hurting For You Still. Written on the 3rd of March 2011.

110303 Hurting For You Still

Hello there handsome
Oh, all these strangers know our story now
For you are all i ever sing about
Needless to say you inspire me
Come whatever may
You are just perfect
You make me feel like I’m so worthless
You’ve got a new lover
She’s okay, I guess
If you’re into princesses
And dainty little damsels in distress

What would you say
If I told you I have missed you all these days?
What would you think
If I said my love for you still exists?
What would you do
If I just ignored you coy and cool?
How would you feel
If you knew I’m hurting for you still?

Oh, help me cupid
I should let go of him, I’m stupid
He’d never want me like before
Or lay next to me on the floor again
He doesn’t even remember me anymore
Oh Mr. Feel Good
Help me explain what’s been misunderstood
I didn’t mean to cause commotion
The Doctor of Love won’t give me potions
|To help me numb out all emotions
Somebody help me

So maybe I’ll
See you again in five years’ time
Maybe by then you’ll have a wife
You’ll have it good
You’d live your life
And I would have nothing but these rhymes
Always alone by the end of the night
Somebody help me

The next one is another song that is about the process of missing past romantic connections and being unhealthily attached to them for longer than I should have been because, as a young person, I was not given the emotional and mental toolkit to get through the regular lifecycle of crushes starting, going through it, and ending with broken hearts.

Writing-wise, I had a lot of fun experimenting with this when I was 17 and I still have a lot of fun singing this every now and then. Which is funny because this is supposed to be a sad song.

This is My Baby. I wrote it on the 30th of May 2009.

090530 My Baby

My baby’s got me cryin’
Cause she walked out that door
My baby ain’t my baby anymore
Cause she’s got some other girl
See, my baby used to be mine
But she found somebody new
Without my baby I haven’t got a clue
Now I’ve got nothin’ left to lose

My baby’s got me feelin’ down
She’s got me feelin’ blue
My baby left me with a frown
Every sign of deceit was the truth
See, my baby said she’d stay with me
But now she’s fading away
Without my baby I am lost for words
But there is still so much left to say

My baby took my appetite
So, now I feel so hollow inside
My baby took away the light
Now every day’s an endless night
See, my baby was my whole damn life
And I cannot even put up a fight
If my baby no longer wants me
Then I’ll go but one day she will be sorry

My baby has
My baby and I are done
My baby left a mess
And I still haven’t moved on to the next
See, my baby still lives in my dreams
Even though it has been three whole years
Without my baby I’m emotionless and hard
Now I’m living my life with no sight, no heart

Thank you for listening to episode 44 of Every Song. Until next time.

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It’s a beautiful day today here in Melbourne ..

It’s allegedly set to be 30 degrees later in the arvo. That is my jam. I thrive in the heat and shrivel up in the winter. Anything colder than 25 degrees is freeeeezing to me.

So, I’m quite happy about that but it is very much in contrast to this first song I had planned to play today. This one’s a bit of a Debbie Downer about the impact of a neglected relationship. It’s called Zoe, Mona Lisa. I wrote it on the 3rd of October 2005 when I was 14 years old… Jeez I was a sad ass kid.

051003 Zoe, Mona Lisa

Zoe lights a lamp for him
Guiding the way
Leaving traces for when he decides to go back home
Zoe dances ‘round his arms
Feeling ecstasy
She loves him so much and he can’t let go either
They deserve each other

Zoe is his Mona Lisa
He touches her curves and she smiles
They sway with the rhythm
But they trip on the way to paradise

Zoe has her name on his heart
She carved it on herself
But if he had a chance would he still hold her tight
Or would he let her go as they melt
Zoe chooses him
Out of the million soldiers from the crowd
This queen will never lose
To fight she seems to choose
To fight for his love

Oh Zoe. oh Zoe
Oh Zoe, you’re breaking his heart
You’re taking him away from me
You’re taking him away from me
Dragging him away from me
Ooh

Oh Zoe, you’re his Mona Lisa
Zoe, he’s touching your curves and you smile
You sway to the rhythm, my rhythm
But you trip on the way
On the way to paradise

Zoe is the reason he’s gone
She’s got the attention that used to be mine
She blesses his soul
She’s a blessing to him
But to my eyes she’s a devil in disguise

We’re nearing the end of this first season of Every Song and I almost forgot about this next song I wrote that I had in my archives. So, I’m going to play it now. It’s called Not the One, written on the 12th of March 2009.

Oh yes, side note: this is only season 1 and I’ve got a season 2 planned already of Every Song.

090312 Not the One

You’ll say sorry, I’ll probably believe you
But I still won’t care
I’ll be waiting, you probably won’t even say it
But I’ll still be here

And every time I speak
I’ll be fighting temptations
Not to let your name fall out of my mouth
Cause ever since I’ve been on my own
I’ve been fighting these battles that I’ve already lost

And I’m on my knees
Begging you please
Please wait for me
And I swear to God
I am not
I am not falling in love

Oh I need to take my time
I need to slow it down
Before I lose control
Or I’ll end up breaking both our hearts
I won’t have any other choice
Oh you’re not the one
I can feel it inside
But you could be the one
To lead me to the light

We need to come back down from our high
We gotta settle back down into our daily lives

Thank you for listening to episode 43 of Every Song. Until next time.

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Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.

Oh my God. I’ve been feeling incredibly run down lately. I’ve gotten sick again. This time between the move plus I got my period at the same bloody time and it’s been rough. I feel like I’ve been sick a lot this year and I only usually get sick like once a year before the Covids must have done a number on me. I think my body, being bogged down with stress, with the move and work and all that, is just like what the fuck is going on and my immune system has just given up on me lately.

So, I’m keeping this episode short and sweet again today with one song only.

This is a song I wrote on the 21st of October 2010. Around this time, in the cusp of the first and second decade of the millennia, there was this strange phenomenon that happened between my girls and I: we were—I think about 3 or 4 of us—randomly dating Mormon dudes. All unrelated; all don’t have any connection each other; from different churches; from different cities (well - as far as we know they don’t knoow each other).

I wrote this song I’m about to play for you all about the Mormon guy I randomly dated in this era. I keep saying random because everytime I look back at it I just wonder what the hell going on? What the hell was in the water at that time. Did all the hot Mormon guys get told by their churches to go out there to date a bunch of unsuspecting Catholic girls in a mission to convert us?

It was a strange experience, to say the least, because from the data that I’ve gathered from my girls that were also dating these random hot Mormon dudes, there was this common issue —and this was not a surprise at all; this is a very common thing that they do and it still happens now— where these guys would all profess their love and infatuation with us, get us all hooked, and then pull away as much as they can and as fast as they can. Classic lovebombing. But back in those days, the term lovebombing wasn’t a thing. I’m glad we have a label for it now actually. Anyway, it was almost like a bait - or a free trial where they say, “Oh, you want this kind of relationship? You’re going to need to convert.” And straight up, fuck that.

This is called A Shot in the Dark.

101021 A Shot in The Dark

It’s all or nothing with him
But I’m choosing nothing to begin with
Cause I hear nothing lasts forever
I cannot breathe without him
I would rather pretend
But it’s up to him so for now we’re just friends

We’re falling oh so fast
Letting go of the past
It’s ecstasy but will this even last?

I’m feeling the adrenaline rush
Burning the thickest of my walls to dust
But he won’t let me love him
With all my heart
He won’t let me love him
It’s a shot in the dark

I’m tamed but I’m still wanting
Everything from him, we started
Out like we were supposed to
A couple of kids
Who don’t know where we’re heading to
Up and down and left and right and
All the way back to the corner of my mind
That he occupied
Twenty four seven, three six five

So, when he leaves this town
To spread good news around
I’ll be waiting
Cause I know soon he’ll be homeward bound

Thank you for listening to episode 42 of Every Song. Until next time.

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Here’s a song I wrote when I was 15, called Run.

060917 Run

What did I tell you ‘bout it now
Didn’t I tell you to forget
I have every reason to let you go
One thing I do remember now
Is what this bullshit’s all about
I’m all out of reason to let you know

That/Cause I’m running out of time
Running out in space
Running away from you
And I’m running out of places
To run around into
I’m running out of things to do
I’m just running back to you

What was the last thing that I said
Before I turned around instead
Of putting back the pieces
Of what has shattered into seventy
Don’t you remember when I left
Didn’t I leave you in your bed
Turn over the page
And see what’s left for me

What did you say
What did you say
To make me go away
I can’t remember
Though I can’t forget
The things you said
To make me go away
I’m away
I’m away now
I’m away from you

I wrote Run on the 17th of September 2006 as a songwriting exercise.

The other song in this episode I am going to play today is one that is quite special to me. I wrote it when I was 13 and was going through depression. It’s basically me beginning to question what it means to have comfort and be comforted; beginning to question what there is to be scared of in life; and beginning to question what it means to be relieved of suffering.

This is My Angel, written on the 15th of January 2005.

050115 My Angel

You heard me crying over
Your sick and stupid lies
You had me losing grip of
My own broken smile
Face death in one whole day
But don’t leave me here

I’m watching my own angel
Descending down on me
My angels lets me know
That it’s impossible to feel
I’m waiting for my angel
To arrive and set me free
My angel lets me know
That there is nothing left to fear

My angel only comes down for me
Revealing the secrets of my mystery
Singing me
My vivid lullaby

Thank you for listening to episode 41 of Every Song. Until next time.

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In today’s episode I have a couple of sad songs to play. Boohoo… This first one is called The Remedy, written on the 9th of September 2008.

080909 The Remedy

Have you ever been so unhappy
You’ve felt paralysed
Have you ever been so angry
That you could kill the next person
To look you in the eyes
Well I’m just the type of girl
Who’d walk the talk and contemplate
And erase memories from my mind
To get you out of my way
And I’m okay

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye to you
I wish you everything but the best
For whoever you
Are gonna play around with next
This beaten, broken heart of mine
Drowning in defeat
Oh it’s too hard to find the perfect remedy
Oh the remedy

Watching everything fade away
Losing interest in living
Watching myself fall everyday
I just can’t stand what I’m seeing
Baby wishing you were here to hug me
A true love’s epitome
How could I let you push me around
Twisting, turning, tumbling
And I’m alright

About a month after writing that, I wrote this next one. Another sad sad sad love song. Just like the songs in the last episode, it’s weird playing one of these songs without playing the other. They are just a pair - they can’t be seperated - they must exist together.

This is You’re Never Coming Back, written on the 15th of October 2008.

081015 You’re Never Coming Back

I’ve had barely any sleep
For the past two years
But when I did you were always
The only thing in my dreams
The memories still linger
Long after you’ve been gone
So the thought of you inspired
This sweet little song
Summer’s just around the corner again
So maybe if I holler
You would look and swing my way

But I’m not going down
I won’t succumb to temptations
I’m trying to move on
But I can’t get rid of this emotions

You’re never coming back
So, why can’t that get through my head
I’m growing fonder in your absence
You’re never coming back
But I’ll be waiting anyway
I wish that you would have just stayed

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen your face
I can still remember the last time, the date, the place
Now not a day passes me by
Without you occupying my mind
I’d drown in shallow waters
If you hadn’t taught me how to swim
How to swim out of affection
When love is bothering me
I don’t live a day
Without, without, without me thinking about you

Thank you for listening to episode 40 of Every Song. Until next time.

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In this episode I’m playing three songs that I wrote within just a few days of each other. Similar to last week’s episode 34. And also similarly to another bunch of songs, episode 15, to be precise, I will play these songs back to back.

These three songs just collectively belong together. It feels weird for me to play one of these without playing the others. So, in a way I feel like they were meant to be a medley. Especially because they were all songwriting exercises so I can keep mastering my craft.

The first song is called Desperate, written on the 18th of September 2005. The second is titled Scars are Hard to Find, written on the 23rd of September 2005. And, the last one is called Heart (Missing Your Smile), written on the 26th of September 2005.

050918 Desperate

I’m crying now but you can’t see
I’m falling down on this epiphany
I’m crazy enough to make up stories
How desperate am I to make you love me

A day, a night
I’ll be holding on to you tight
But soon I’ll be letting go
Cause soon enough I know you’ll be gone

I adore you but you don’t know I exist
A single confession
Doesn’t that just mean
You are my obsession
I’m crazy enough to make up stories
How desperate am I to make you love me

I’m lying, I’m lying
I’m a liar
But I’m dying, I’m dying
You are my control
I can’t make you love me
But this is the closest place
I’ll get to your soul
You make me feel like falling
Like falling

050923 Scars are Hard to Find

There’s just so much I wanna tell you
So much I wanna share
But babe the reason that I left
Is because I felt so scared

It’s common with heartbreak(s)
But scars are hard to find
We hardly ever talk now
But still your words sound kind

The tone of your voice is rare
I hear you baby
But I just can’t see you anywhere
I’ve stood in front of people
But never under the spotlight
Why don’t you let me love you
Feelin’ out of my mind

And after the sun sets
I’ll be missing you
And when the morning comes
I’ll be breaking down
But the minute the dark shows up
Will you be here to wish me luck
You have somebody who loves you
Loves you as much as I do
You just can’t feed through my sacrifice
You’re my everything baby
You’re my life

050926 Heart (Missing Your Smile)

I’m calling you up
But I know you’re not home
I’m knocking on your door
Though I know you’re not even home

Are you even coming back
Will you be here when summer starts

Heart, I’ll be missing your smile
Heart, I’ll be missing your smile
Heart

I’m driving by our old lovers lane
And I’m not getting anything off it
No memories, no warm kisses
Not even the feeling of it
Everything’s faded away

Until the very next day
I’m gonna be, I’m just gonna be
I’ll be loving you
And until the day we meet again
I’m gonna be, I’m just gonna be
Feeling this burn in my heart

Heart, I’m just missing you bad
Heart, I’m just missing your smile
Heart, I’m just missing you now
Heart, I’m just missing your smile

Thank you for listening to episode 39 of Every Song. I hope you enjoyed that. Until next time.

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The songs for today are ones I wrote and dedicated to one day putting money where my mouth is and actually moving! I woke up today in a brand new country. I actually did it.

We flew into Naarm from Tāmaki Makaurau last night to live here somewhat permanently. I actually don’t know how long my boyfriend and I are going to live here for, we just know that we don’t plan on looking back to a life of low wages and no ass job opportunities back there. So, we’ve up and left to seek greener pastures literally anywhere else in the world.

Here’s a song I wrote when I was 15, fantasising about an escape. It is called Distance, written on the 5th of July 2007.

070705 Distance

Distance, here I come
No matter how far you are
I’ll be keeping track of the distance I have gone
Distance, expect me soon
I’ll be coming after you
Maybe it’s not too late before I break down and suffocate

I’m out of place, I’m out of love
Don’t tell me anymore, I’ve had enough
I’d know your face, I’d know your smile
So distance I’m getting in line just for you

Distance save a space
For my belongings and myself
I promise I’ll pay you back
For every night and day that I stay
Distance, open the door please
I know there’s room for inside
I didn’t travel this far south for nothing
I don’t want to waste my time

Is it wise to run away
Think twice I’ll be okay
Distance
I’ll be chasing after you
While I’m being chased by my blues
Distance

That whole song is still true to its original form. I wrote is as is back then and I’ve never really touched it or amended it - not even much of the vocal melodies.

The other one I wanted to play in this episode is yet another one I wrote during the Covid lockdown, the first wave. This one is more about the kind of place, or world, that I would like to live in, rather than just a literal location or just the vague concept of escape. It’s about what kind of community and social connectivity I would like to see in the future. It’s called That’s Where I Hope To Be, written on the 11th of May 2020.

200511 That’s Where I Hope to Be

Where the desert meets the snowfall
Where wild spirits soar free
Where light cannot cast shadows
Where knowledge is a tree
Where woman was not tempted
Where man does as he needs
Where children grow as giants
Where all love how they please

That’s where I hope to be

Where no agendas hide
Where magic does exist
Where life after death welcomes
Where sisterhood persists
Where water is respected
Where wine sobers the drunk
Where worship and praise fail to fish
Where mercy lowers guns

Where the dirt electrifies
Where the sun befriends the sea
Where the wind blows as it wishes
That’s where I’m going to be
That’s where I hope to be

Thank you for listening to episode 38 of Every Song. Until next time.

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The first song today is called Solution - Conclusions. I wrote this on the 7th of March 2007.

070307 Solution - Conclusions

Once again I fail
To hide but you can tell
That I’ve outdone myself
With bidding you farewell
Oh sure you want to hear
The reasons why but I fear
That you won’t understand
This isn’t what I planned

Tell me what’s enough
If it’s enough to love you
Tell me what it takes
For you to give me a break
Tell me what to do
Without making me look like a fool
Give me a solution
Come on baby let’s not jump to conclusions

I woke up thinking
I’ve had enough dreaming
About you and me together
In my head
It was mid-November again
And we were staring at the ski
Wondering how long we would last

Here’s another one I wrote during Covid lockdown. I’m pretty sure this was during the first wave of lockdowns here in Aotearoa.

It’s quite an introspective, raw, honest song for me. Recall, it was a time when we were just locked up inside the house and it forced me to reflect a little bit about myself. It’s not the most polished song that I have whatsoever, it’s just one that I wrote during a very tender time for me and, I guess, the world.

This song is called Pretty Girl, written on the 21st of May 2020.

200521 Pretty Girl

I get away with a lot
Because I’m a pretty girl
And I always get things
I don’t necessarily deserve

But when I was young
I had to learn how to be funny
Cause I wasn’t loved
I was an immigrant and chubby
Made the boys laugh
Made my mama cry
I just wanted to fit in

But now
I get away with a lot
Because I’m a pretty girl
And I always get things
I don’t necessarily deserve
Slowly I’m becoming
The woman I think I’m supposed to be
No longer wanna be a pretty girl
Wanna be a human first

I stopped eating when
I was 10
I wanted to be thin
I wanted friends
Who were cool and lived in sin
I started to change
Just ignored the pain
Didn’t know who I became

What a shame
Such a beautiful face
With an ugly mind
What a shame
Such a beautiful face
With an ugly life

Thank you for listening to episode 37 of Every Song. Until next time.

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Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.

This first song is one I wrote about the feeling of guilt when you end it with someone, even though you know it was the right thing to do. It’s actually about the same person that the first song in episode 10 was about, Patch Up a Friendship. It’s called Always.

081101 Always

You’re always so reliable
Always so indispensable
But I lost you, yes I did
You’re always right behind me
Every step I take you follow
But I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that

I took your love for granted
All I wanted was to show you
That I liked you, I admit it
But thanks for letting me know

That you’ll always be here
And you’re always here to help
And you always will care
But I’m not sorry that I ever let you go
So much time on my hands
But not enough of plans
I’m not sorry that I ever let you go
Always

You’re always unpredictable
Always so indescribable
But I like you, yes I do
You’re always gonna be the guy
I fell for once upon a time
But I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that

It’s such a shame for us to end this way
But now I can say I’ll never be the same
When all I ever wanted was for you to take it easy with me
I never meant for us to part
But loving you was just too damn hard
And if a heart calls for breaking
Then broken it shall be
But if you’re there for the taking
Then I’ll just set you free because
I don’t wanna put you through the agony
Of having to be with me
And I’m sorry that I took your love for granted
When all you ever wanted to show
Was that

Always was written on the 1st of November 2008.

The next and last one for today is a POV song I wrote when I was 13. I say POV because you’ll hear in the lyrics it is obviously about expecting a child and I was not a 13-year-old mother. I got inspiration for this song from a temp social studies teacher we had at school - very beautiful, lovely, tall, pregnant woman. I have unfortunately forgotten her name and I no longer have any of my school year books, so I can’t even look her name up. But I remember she always wore a silver fish bone necklace. And if I remember correctly, she may have been blonde or light brunette, maybe. She used to talk to us about how excited she was to have her baby and her man whenever she would see us walking around at lunchtime and after class. It was really cute and I got really inspired by all that.

Anyway, this song is called Let’s Chase Time. I wrote it on the 16th of July 2005.

050726 Let’s Chase Time

Life is coming through
I’ll be spending time with you forever
Let’s chase time once again
It’s everything you do that makes me wonder

You are my song
My music
You own my soul
Don’t lose it
I’m trying and it’s hard
But you’re everything I have

Time is running out
And we’ll be exposed to those
Little eyes soon
They’ll be looking up
So we’ve got to act the best we could

You’re everything I have
It’s all up in my mind
We’ve untied all those things that were up in knots
Let’s chase time once again
Cause I’m feeling unfair
I’m feeling uneasy

Thank you for listening to episode 36 of Every Song. Until next time.

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This is a one-song episode. Keeping it short and simple today because I’ve still got so much to do with moving admin and I’m running around like a headless chicken these days.

Here is a song I wrote during the Covid lockdown of August 2020. It’s about (how do I say this without being creepy?) my weird little sexy fantasy about men who have taken religious vows. Priests, I might say.

This song is also imagined within a world of fairy tales, forbidden love, heroes and villains, and the ultimate fantasy of running away together and having that happily ever after.

It’s called Man of the Cloth, written on the 16th of August 2020.

200816 Man of the Cloth

How do I balance
How do I fly
How do I swim through
The ocean tides
The foam on the waves like
Bubbles in my bath
I be the problem
You do the math

I’m no Lolita
Nothing older men
Has ever had to offer
Been good in the end
Only thing boys can
Bring to the table
Is the audacity
And they are enabled

I been the villain
All along
Having an affair with
A man of the cloth
And if we could
We would go
Somewhere only we know

Searching for meaning
Searching for light
Searching for rules
I won’t even abide by
And for all my faults
I blame the stars
I am how I am
Cause of my natal chart

Wishing I could travel back
Wish more power for my craft
Wishing wishes were just that
Cause my manifestation game is wack
But I know deep down I’m the
Most magical bitch I’ve ever seen
And with him right next to me
There is nothing I cannot be

He’s been the hero
All along
Fallen in love with
A black swan
And if we could
We would go
Somewhere only we know

Thank you for listening to episode 35 of Every Song. Until next time.

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